Willful beginnings

I've been feeling rather...unmotivated to blog. I dislike that feeling, and feel I shall try my best to put an end to it by pretending that I am motivated to blog, or, write for that matter.

I have this leather journal that I've unofficially told myself to finish writing in before the year is out. My aunt gave it to me when I graduated high school...but have I even gotten halfway in writing in it since then? Noooo. I can't seem to pull it together. But I shall persevere. I hope.

I feel that my life's general focus as of late is job and anything related to job, (including the mental duress that comes with finalization and scheduling and being a grownup), healing up to work (I had laparoscopic surgery a couple weeks ago), choosing weekends to see my boyfriend (Jesus loves me, and him, so He'll make the visits work out beautifully), helping my mom homeschool by teaching my little first grade brother (it's hilarious, try it sometime because little brothers are brilliant), and rearranging and organizing my room (my sister moved on campus).

So yep. I kind of feel that all my life has consisted of since moving down here is finishing school, making money, squeezing in visits here and there, and living at home. There are so many blessings and good things that have happened, but sometimes I wish this season will pass. However, as soon as I wish that, I pray for the grace, for something, anything, to keep me grounded and focused on the present.

I used to worry about the future. A lot. My boyfriend says I still do and that I need to snap out of that phase, per se. It's awful to sit around and worry about what's going to happen (which we have seriously zero clue about half the time; God always likes to throw in a surprise or two), but it's even worse to think. And overthink. And overthink so much that you become ungrateful for what's right there in the present, the now. I have had so many great and wonderful experiences in my life that sometimes, I lose sight of what's right in front of me and I begin to dwell on the past, and the lack of it in my life, if that makes sense.

"I miss fall. And bonfires. And chilly nights. Man, I wish I still had that."

"I miss choir. I sang as a soprano for 11 years. I just die when I hear sacred music because that's what I used to sing!"

"I miss eating whatever I wanted. I mean I didn't feel the greatest, but my appetite was sated."

"I miss being at college and taking college courses."

"I miss friends. My friends."

And I sound like an ungrateful little wretch! They are all good things to miss, but to go on and on and on about them? Replaying those good times in your head that you fail to make even better times? I oftentimes forget that today is a new day, and it's up to The Lord (and my best efforts to get out of my comfort zone) to make it better than the day before. As my mom always says, especially when someone in my family has made a mistake (aka me), "Now what lesson did you learn from this? How can you grow? Jesus has you alive on this earth for a purpose, and He will do great things through you if you let Him!"

She also tells me to get out of my comfort zone, and has made me put on my to-do list: make friends.

She's the best mom ever, FYI.

Next to Mama Mary, that is.

Anyways. My pinky just awkwardly fell asleep....sorry for that update. But it's weird. Like me. I seriously struggle with breaking the habit of missing things so much that the days go by and I don't realize it. I need to enjoy right now, but sometimes, I just feel that I can't.

It's like writing though...once you force yourself to start, you just start going and soon it will not be forced. Willful beginnings, I suppose. The will is stronger than my emotions, or lacktherof, and it is stronger than my laziness and unmotivation. So all I ask is this: pray for me to have the strength to willfully begin again (cue TSwift).

[Also, free advertising for Instagram, but it's helped me to find the precious things in my life again, and to capture them and imprint them on my memory recognizing that they are something special.]